I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.
– Pablo Picasso
No one is born with the ability to do anything. Sure, we are able to breathe, eat, sleep, and poop right out of the womb. Beyond that, though, we have to learn how to do things. We have to learn how to hold ourselves up. This simple act is quite the challenge for a newborn. We take it for granted after years and years of holding ourselves up without even thinking about the motor skills it takes to do so. We just do it. We have to learn how to crawl, and we spend a tremendous amount of effort learning how to do this seemingly simple task.
No one really thinks about these initial struggles of babyhood. Most of us spend our energy on when babies learn how to walk and when they learn how to speak; both incredibly challenging tasks (sometimes even for adults). It is important to realize that the little successes we encounter as infants when we are learning how to hold ourselves up, how to crawl, etc. are the driving force for our determination to learn how to walk or speak. Without these previous successes, we would have little motivation to pursue the new tasks. We would allow ourselves to slip into the belief that we can’t do it (we’ll fail), so why bother? For those that experience small failures early in life without proper guidance on how to reflect upon those failures as life lessons for greater success later, we tend to develop a fear of failure (Atychiphobia).
The Fear of Failure
If we expand on this into our older years, we can apply the mentality to our conscious growth and success. When we are children, failure doesn’t really seem to be much of a concern for us. We try and do tons of things, many of which we soon learn that our moms and dads absolutely won’t let us do (like opening the kitchen cabinet with all the cleaning supplies in it). Some of the things we try, we learn we should not do. Unfortunately, for many, this can create a long-time feeling of worrying about doing things because we think we can’t do them since we’re told not to.
As a child, we may not understand that mommy not letting us get in the cleaning supplies cabinet is her simply protecting us from harm. Instead, many of us associate this with can’t. If we are told no enough, this mentality sticks, at least on some level. Fearing the outcome of failure, for some, is a true psychological fear. For most, it is simply a feeling of discomfort. Our brains are designed to be as efficient as possible. One drawback to this is that our brains do not want us to explore things outside of our existing comfort zone. It requires more energy for our brains to rewire to accommodate the changes. So, to discourage that activity, our brains give us the impulse that we are fearful of new things, and many of us decide not to pursue learning new things because we fear the outcome (so we think).
Many of us that live with the fear of failure don’t even realize that we do. We go through life, living each day, without giving any thought to the fact that we are not pushing ourselves outside of our comfort zone. We might have a job, but we simply go to work, do as we’re told, and go home. For some people, this routine never changes. It’s comfortable, and for one reason or another, we do not want to step out of that comfort zone and do something different.
Personal Growth Doesn’t Always Mean Bigger
Many people make the assumption that when someone mentions getting out of a comfort zone; they mean do something bigger, and more robust than what they do now. In a career circumstance, this may be interpreted as doing more to get a raise. Or it may mean leaving a career and starting a business. But breaking the mold of an every day routine does not necessarily mean it has to be something bigger, better, bolder. It can simply mean different.
Perhaps an easy way to describe this is by looking at a high profile financial officer in a multi-billion dollar company. He is unhappy in his work, impassionate about his career, bored with his routine, but unable to make a change. He is fearful that if he just quits his job, he won’t be able to support his family. He might even already know that he is passionate about basket weaving, but doesn’t know how to make the shift from his high-profile position to what society potentially deems as “unworthy.” He is fearful of the potential for failure, so instead of taking any risks; he simply continues to go through his daily life without change.
Sometimes different is just different. Maybe our financial officer wants to do something different, but wants to keep his current lifestyle. Maybe he wants to keep is job, but change his lifestyle. Not knowing the outcome of pursuing either of these paths can keep him from exploring either. However, it is important to realize that with the right action steps, anything can be achieved and in a way that we want it to be achieved. Intelligent, conscious growth is the key to a successful change and to overcoming a fear of failure. Some people are able to do this better than others.
Overcoming the Fear of Failure
There are many ways for different people to overcome their fear of failure. Some work miracles for certain people, and have no affect on others. The key with any lesson in personal growth is to realize that not everything works for everyone. You must try multiple things, with conviction, and test which elements of personal growth are easily achieved for you, and which you’ll have to work on further.
Personally, I have to constantly work on multiple things to improve my overall self. Many things I try and implement simply don’t work with my personality as it is now. I have to recognize this and try other alternatives instead of allowing myself to get bogged down by minimal success or non-success. If I let myself focus on the things that aren’t working, I end up further ingraining my fear of failure, instead of overcoming it. The more I do, the more I learn I can do, and the more it motivates me to do more.
The following strategies are things I’ve tried, and still use to help overcome moments in which I’m dealing with my fear of failure.
Recognize the real worst-case scenario.
In the vast majority of circumstances, nothing major or life threatening comes as a result of pursuing a new challenge or experience. Granted, there are obvious exceptions like experimenting with drugs, adrenaline sports (rock climbing, skydiving, etc.), and other similar dangerous activities, but even these can be used to illustrate the critical point: the worst thing that can happen is death.
Now, I’ve already told you that you are going to die, and I’ve made it pretty obvious that I like to remind people of that fact. Accepting this reality is a strong step in dealing with any fears you might have. When you know you are going to die eventually, it is a lot easier to get over the fear of being closed in (claustrophobia), for example. Note: I know I’m not taking religious connotations into consideration here; to do so would cloud the point being made, so I’ve intentionally left this out.
Typically, however, the worst-case scenario is much less scary than death. In most cases, it is simply a step in a direction that doesn’t work out for the immediate circumstance. All over the world, on the Internet, in books, during interviews, and in magazine articles, people share their stories of success. Many of these stories illustrate a time when a hard failure and personal struggle was the turning point in the path of success for the person. Donald Trump built his current empire after going bankrupt. Bill Gates started Microsoft after he failed at another business. Examples like these are all over the place.
Recognizing that the worst-case scenario is not nearly as bad is it might seem helps eliminate the paralyzing fear of doing something new, different, and exciting. No, it doesn’t always eliminate it completely, the fear may still be there, but it is easier to overcome it, move past it, and make the change anyway.
Overcome smaller fears first.
When I first started public speaking, I was fearful of looking like an idiot in front of a group of my peers. I didn’t want to make a fool of myself, and postponed speaking for quite some time. I realized that part of this was because I didn’t like the way I reacted when I was embarrassed about something. I turn red, my face flushes, I start sweating, and my hands get cold. People would then pick on me about being red with embarrassment which would then cause me to be upset about being picked on, and it would just get worse and worse.
My solution was to get comfortable with the way I look when I’m embarrassed or embarrassing myself first. Once I was over that fear, I could work on the bigger fear of looking like an idiot in front of a crowd. To get over my concern with how I looked when embarrassed, I would stand, dance, or otherwise position myself in front of a full-body mirror and act like a complete idiot, on purpose. I would then turn on a movie with an actor that was well known for his silly expressions and on-camera wildness – Jim Carrey as Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Any time I felt like I looked like a goofball when I was being silly in front of the mirror, I stopped and watched Jim Carrey make silly expressions and realize that here was a guy that was intentionally making a fool of himself, and people loved him for it. I knew people loved him for it because they spent money to watch him do it. Though I may not have wanted to be a professional comedian or actor, knowing that people didn’t really look negatively on those types of actions helped relieve the stress of performing them (whether intentionally or not).
Overcoming the way I looked when I was being silly helped me to overcome the way I looked and sounded in general. This removed my focus on those things and allowed me to focus on the content of my message and the delivery became a subset of it. Now, standing up and speaking in front of a group of other people doesn’t bother me. Sure, I still get butterflies, but those are just friendly reminders that I do still have a pulse, I haven’t passed out, and I’m normal.
Realize that everyone has the same fear on some level.
Everyone gets nervous. Celebrities and other high-profile figures have just learned how to hide that nervousness better than we have. No one will proclaim that they love to fail. Yes, there are numerous quotes about failure. One of the most famous being Thomas Edison’s remarks on his many attempts at creating the light bulb. Yes, he put a positive spin on his many failures, but I believe he would have been much happier had he discovered the right way on the first try. Who wouldn’t? No one likes to go through more struggles than we have to. But we all go through them.
By realizing that even those of us that seem to have it all together and have no fear actually do, we are able to realize that we have just as much potential to be great as they do. There is no reason for us to limit ourselves by comparing our past actions to someone else’s life. Every day affords us a new opportunity to start over completely. We all possess the same potential. And we all deal with the same fears of not succeeding.
Focus on the outcome of success instead of worrying about the failure.
Granted, this easier said than done, especially for those of us that like to think “logically” or “realistically.” By focusing on the positive outcomes that are derived from successful action we are able to crowd out the fears of failure and non-success. Our energy is focused on the positive success, and positive energy is always more powerful than negative energy.
Opportunities are only opportunities for those of us that take the time to take advantage of them. Those of us that push past our fears and capitalize on opportunities are the ones that the rest of us call successes. Without taking risk, you can’t take advantage of opportunities. For most of us, we go through life worried about risk. We might live happy, long lives, but those of us that don’t take action when opportunities present themselves, we don’t usually make our mark on the world. By focusing on what we wish to achieve, we empower ourselves to make ourselves known to whichever audience we desire.
Conscious and thorough preparation eliminates unknowns and fears.
By taking the time to consciously focus on all the elements of the project or task, we eliminate the unknowns. Unknowns are the brutal bodyguards of fear. They guard fear and protect it from your desire to destroy it. They present themselves at the most inopportune times in an effort to throw you back off course and give fear the victory. By preparing for action as thoroughly as possible, we destroy fear’s bodyguards while they sleep, eliminating their ability to protect fear, and giving you easy access to fear’s jugular.
Some people refer to a contingency plan during planning. Contingency plans provide a mental escape when failure seems eminent. Contingencies keep us from having to surrender to fear and give us the strength to push through and defeat our fears through action.
Take Action.
Our fears thrive on our inaction. To overcome any fear, we have to take action to overcome it. Simply wishing anything into existence simply does not work. We must put in the work. If the fear is too overwhelming, it helps to visualize ourselves performing the action without any fear. If we visualize ourselves believing that we cannot fail, we empower ourselves to take the first step.
Each attempt at doing something, whether we succeed or not, is a lesson to be applied the next time we attempt it. We are blessed with the ability to learn through action. If we simply do nothing, we learn nothing. When we take action, we learn from the experience the action give us. Even when we succeed, we learn how to do it better next time. Without action, we have no way of even knowing that we are improving or not. Action is the critical component to anything, success, life, personal growth, you name it.
Small steps are always easier than big ones. It’s why when we’re infants, we start with learning how to hold our head up on our own, then learn how to move around consciously, then work on crawling, then walking, then communicating intelligently (talking). Each step we take is an indicator to our brains on what to do for the next step. Small steps also make success much more easily attained. Small successes build confidence. As our confidence builds through small successes, we prime ourselves for the ultimate success of the larger goal.
Follow the example of Hernán Cortés.
The Spanish conquistador is famous for ordering his men to burn their ships upon arrival in Mexico to eliminate any hope for retreat. His plan succeeded because he eliminated failure as an option. When you are aware of the fact that failure is not an option, success is the only thing left to pursue.
Sometimes, life has a way of burning our ships for us. When we are laid off, for example, the only choice we have is to perish or succeed at something new. It is at this junction in life when we usually take our best actions and overcome so much. The Law of Feedback states there is no failure; there is only feedback. All failures (or missed successes) are instructions for how to do it better next time. Successful people understand that failures are actually just outcomes of action, not failure at all. Unsuccessful people see mistakes and permanent reflections of themselves as people.
The only person who really cares if you succeed or fail is you.
Not even your mom really cares whether you succeed or fail. Sure, she wants to see you succeed, but all she really cares about is that you are prepared for life’s challenges. How you get through them is up to you entirely. Whether you succeed of fail is 100% your fault. Henry Ford is often remembered for his quote, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.”
Only you have the strength, determination, skill and mindset to do the things in life that you want to do. No one else is going to do them for you. By taking responsibility for your own outcomes in life, you remove limiting beliefs. You don’t get wrapped up in the mindset that you are at a disadvantage because of where you were born, who your parents were, or how much you started with. The big success stories are almost always of people that started with nothing more than a dream. They took action, over and over. They failed, multiple times, and then, eventually, succeeded.